Your child yells at you and you yell back.  No solutions are happening.  No problems are solved.  Only yelling.  By the end of the discussion your child is facing consequences and you are left feeling frustrated and sad.  One of the first things I address when working with parents is managing their own emotions to diffuse a situation.  Often when our child explodes, we feel threatened and respond with a power struggle.  Keep in mind that when emotions are heightened, no problem solving is going to occur.  Focus on calming your child first, which may mean turning that same focus to ourselves.

What does it mean to be dysregulated?

We often notice when our children are dysregulated.  Maybe they are more hyper than usual, more defiant, or more disconnected.  According to psychcentral.com, Emotion Dysregulation may be thought of as the inability to manage the intensity and duration of negative emotions such as fear, sadness, or anger. If you are struggling with emotion regulation, an upsetting situation will bring about strongly felt emotions that are difficult to recover from.

Strong emotions!  We all have them.  In a family, our emotions are often connected to one another.  If your child is feeling sad, you may also start to feel sad.  If your child is irritable, you might be feeling irritable as well.  This is not a one way street.  If you, as the adult, are feeling stressed, your child may also begin to feel stressed.  When a child is upset, either because they have made a bad choice and are facing a consequence or because they are anxious or sad, if they are met with frustration, annoyance, or anger, they are often going to increase the negative behaviors affiliated with that emotion.  

1. Label and validate their emotion

Keep in mind that no matter how ridiculous it may seem that our child is feeling the way that they are, to them, in that moment, they are deep into that feeling.  They may also be feeling stupid, silly, or out of control.  Let them know that you “understand that they are frustrated” or that you “hear that they are angry”.  Then help them to cope with that emotion.  If we are able to model how to manage our emotions in the moment, the child will feel more safe and connected to us.  

Also, for some kids, depending on where they are developmentally, it may be important to help them identify what emotion they are experiencing.  Start by practicing “it sounds like you’re really mad” or another emotion that you are picking up.  Sometimes you may be wrong, and it is okay for them to let you know “no, I’m not mad, I’m annoyed”.  It will help you both to be on the same page moving forward to a solution.

2. Stay calm, together.

It isn’t easy to acknowledge our own emotions and implement a coping strategy when we are squaring off with our child.  Here are some ways to stay calm when your child is dysregulated.

1. Get on their level.  Help them to remember that you are both on the same team.

2. Take a break if you need it!  Sometimes the conversation just needs to end.  You to your room, and them to theirs.  Time outs aren’t just for kids.

3. Redirect.  Maybe it’s time to pick up a book and read it together, go for a walk, practice some mindfulness or snuggle for a few minutes.

Staying calm doesn’t mean you’re letting your child continue the negative behaviors.  There will be time later to talk about consequences and plans for the future, but when emotions are heightened is not the time.

3. Check in when everyone is calm to develop a plan for next time

Co-regulating doesn’t mean that there are no consequences or that our children get to just act however they want.  Co-regulation means we set the example on how to cope with the strong emotion FIRST.  Then, when everyone is calm, you can discuss appropriate consequences and how you will handle the conflict differently next time.  When the child is calm, your words will be absorbed in a more useful manner.  Staying calm and hitting pause can also help parents to set a consequence that is appropriate or in line with the behavior that they are trying to correct, rather than responding with a more harsh consequence that will have less of a positive result in the end.

4. If needed, Apologize.

Guess what, co-regulation takes practice.  It will never be perfect.  Maybe the first time you attempt to co-regulate you blow a gasket after 3 minutes instead of after 30 seconds.  It’s still progress!  The best thing you can do is continue to try to co-regulate.  If you fail, take some time to follow up with your kiddo with a “I’m sorry I didn’t manage my anger very well, I will work on it more next time”.  Acknowledge that you, too, have strong emotions and have to work to manage them on a regular basis.

Watch this video from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson on apologizing after an explosion:

Additional book recommendations:

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind 

These skills are HARD.  We are happy to help coach you through specific instances and situations you may be having with your child, while also helping your child learn to regulate themselves.  Let us know how we can help! You can call the office at 309-807-5077 or email at info@TheMentalWellnessCenter.com to schedule an appointment with Jessica Pippin.