By Ellie Jameson, LPC
EMDR Trained

Have you ever had an interaction with your partner that left you wondering, “What just happened?” Maybe you are feeling lonely, unwanted, disconnected, or hurt in your relationship. Sometimes this can leave us questioning what went wrong or did my partner change? Maybe you aren’t sure if the conflicts are “normal” relationship problems or are abusive. Healthy relationships are not devoid of conflict but are ones that partners can be safe during and reach repair after the conflict. This can be challenging, especially when partners have unhealed relational wounds that impact the dynamics of communication and connection. For relationships where abuse is not occurring, couples counseling can be very beneficial to regain love, rebuild patterns of communication, and increase the strength of attunement. If you are uncertain if you are experiencing abuse or just “normal” relationship challenges please seek out additional resources here. 

In relationships, understanding the difference between feelings, emotions, and reactions is important to providing a safe space. Feelings are the sensations and bodily responses that happen inside of a person. Emotions are the cognitive meaning that we give to the feelings we experience. Reactions are responses that occur outside of our window of tolerance which can look like fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. As a person develops, their family system and culture teach them to identify feelings and label emotions. Often, this can cause misunderstandings in relationships because of having different experiences surrounding feelings and emotions. 

Additionally, being in a reactive state prevents a person from communicating from their window of tolerance which affects their ability to be empathetic, listen, reason, and store memory. 

Signs to seek couples counseling

It may be time to consider couples counseling if you and your partner(s) are experiencing:

• Repetitive arguments without any resolution

• Difficulty communicating without escalating arguments

• Feeling distant or no longer feeling “in love” 

• Challenges with expressing emotions or being vulnerable

• Spiritual/religious differences or church community challenges

• Navigating life changes such as marriage, moving, job changes, children, ect.

• Conflicts with in-laws, friends, or family members

• Considering engagement or marriage

• Difficulty with sexual intimacy, low desire, or communicating about sex

• An affair, desires for infidelity, or pornography

• Difficulty reaching agreement on finances or parenting choices

• Feelings of resentment or distrust

• Physical or medical impacts on the relationship

• One or more partners having a mental illness or trauma history

• Communication around polyamory or open relationships

• Minority stressors of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, or non-monogamy

What to expect?

There are different approaches to couples counseling with the overall goal to help each person in the relationship understand their role and impact on the dynamics. A couples counselor can guide the couple through challenging conversations in a safe way and develop skills to connect with each other outside of sessions. Couples counseling can involve several different methods to achieve healthy relationship communication and connection.   

Gottman method: Developed by John Gottman, this method focuses on techniques to develop closeness and connection in the couple’s relationship. Gottman’s research has found that couples who display the “Four Horsemen” which are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt are at higher risk of divorce. Through his “Seven Principles,” couples learn skills to manage conflict, build love maps, increase turning towards each other, and making meaning in their relationship. 

Emotion focused therapy for couples: Based on attachment research, EFT-C focuses on developing safe attachment and attunement with couples. In this approach, couples learn to identify the steps in their relationship “tango” and develop skills to identify and express emotions. The counselor guides couples through breaking their cycle of disconnection and misattunement into a safe and secure connection. 

Imago relationship therapy: Described as “getting the love you want,” Imago therapy focuses on developing skills for empathy and connection within a relationship. By identifying childhood wounds and ways to express them, couples can increase their safe connection and healing through empathy. The goal of this approach is to have a more “Conscious Relationship” and use “Imago Dialogue” to create a safe space within relationships.  

Intensives: Sometimes the traditional “therapy hour” is not long enough to accommodate all of the partners in a relationship or the extent of the couple's concerns. Other times, insurance doesn't cover couples counseling. In these cases, couples can choose intensive sessions which range from 1.5 to 4 hours. The benefit of longer sessions can provide more time to understand each partner’s history, the relationship as a whole, and help develop skills and techniques sooner. Additionally, if a couple is seeking support for trauma treatment, intensives can be combined with EMDR therapy for couples.  This can allow for partners to support each other through trauma processing while strengthening the connection in the relationship. 

Who is it for?

Ideally, couples counseling is for anyone in what they define as a relationship involving consenting adults. Finding a therapist that is open and affirming while also trained in couples counseling is important, especially for those in non-traditional relationships. In addition to patterns in monogamous relationships, other important aspects that can be addressed in couples counseling are dynamics in open, polyamorous, same-sex, or kink relationships. 

Couples counseling can provide skills to navigate conversations around ethical non-monogamy and sexual preferences. Additionally, non-traditional relationships have extra stressors that heteronormative relationships do not experience. Having an affirming space to process being in a relationship that looks “different” to society or family standards can help reduce the conflict this may cause within the members of the relationship. 

Couples counseling can increase the ability to identify and understand fears and jealousy; develop skills to communicate and empathize with each partner; and help develop safe and connected partnerships. Non-traditional relationships can be very fulfilling but also provide more opportunities for past wounds to be activated. Having skills to process these experiences can deepen the quality of relationships, no matter what they look like.  

When to not go?

Couples counseling is not safe for those experiencing domestic violence which can involve emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, sexual, and psychological abuse. If you are experiencing a partner that does not take accountability, does not make consistent changes for their actions that hurt you, or blames you for the distress in the relationship, consider seeking out resources to understand if you are experiencing intimate partner violence. Abuse is never caused by the victim, so couples counseling may actually be more dangerous because it is designed to help all partners understand their roles in the dysfunction of the relationship. If you feel you are experiencing abuse, consider attending individual therapy and additional resources before choosing couples counseling. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or these resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Neville House: 24 Hour Hotline: 309-827-7070 

Seeking out therapy is not a sign of weakness or that you chose the wrong partner. Couples counseling when all partners are accountable and committed to change can be very helpful, even in healthy relationships. It is not necessary to wait until your relationship is in crisis to benefit from counseling. If you would like to set up an appointment feel free to contact us here at https://www.thementalwellnesscenter.com/contact