How often have we all heard that the most crucial time of our growth is the foundational and developmental years? The first three years of life are often referred to as the attachment phase of development. We all need to feel safe and secure during those first three years in our interactions with our parents and primary caregivers. Doing these things allows us to develop a healthy sense of self which creates the foundations for establishing a healthy, meaningful, connected relationship as adults. 

While doing trauma work with clients, a recurring theme is attachment trauma. I’m sure you’ve heard the words, but what does that mean? Attachment trauma typically occurs when our interpersonal relationships are chaotic or emotionally unavailable. Examples of what that looks like are when we experience abuse of any level, for most of that abuse feels like a given, right? Attachment trauma is also about more covert issues such as disconnection and experiences when primary caregivers are not emotionally available. The challenge with this nature of attachment trauma is that it is typically cumulative, occurs over some time, and repeats within specific relationships and contexts. 

To be transparent with you, every human being has some level of attachment. Some people have secure attachments, some have avoidant attachments, some have resistant attachments, some have resistant attachments, and others have disorganized attachments. It’s also entirely possible that you have different levels and styles of attachment within various relationships. At the same time, all of these attachment styles are initially learned from our primary caregivers. Through experiencing safe and secure attachments, we can learn how to have more secure attachment-based relationships. 

People with secure attachments were raised by caregivers who were loving and affectionate. These caregivers responded appropriately and sensitively to distress when their baby or child was in need. An indicator of a secure attachment is a person who is comfortable expressing emotions, more self-confident in relationships, and more likely to cope with adverse situations and feelings healthily. Another descriptor of secure attachment is that they can flexibly reach out to others for closeness and support while regulating their own emotions and feelings. 

People who have avoidant attachments (also called dismissive-avoidant) were raised by caregivers who were not sensitive or reactive when in distress. When raised by these caregivers, these people quickly learned to avoid showing any emotions and eventually just stopped turning to their caregiver for support or comfort at all. Ultimately, others will describe these people like ( and emotionally feel) unexpressive and emotionally vacant or distant. When your early life caregivers are not sensitive to your needs and are reactive, it creates a pattern of thinking in later years that tells you that other people aren’t interested in you, yet you have a longing to get close to other people. These experiences leave you with fears of abandonment, coupled with amped-up anxiety while relying on others to regulate your feelings. 

People who have resistant attachments (sometimes known as preoccupied or resistant- anxious attachments) grew up surrounded by inconsistent or unpredictable caregivers with comfort and responsiveness to distress. As children, these people begin using mechanisms such as neediness or extreme emotional responses to gain the attention of their caregivers. When you develop into adults, if you have found yourself with this attachment style, you will often feel very insecure in your relationships. You may frequently find yourself acting clingy, acting needy, constantly looking for reassurance, and seeking validation. 

People with disorganized attachment are raised by caregivers who engage in chaotic or frightening behavior. Children raised by these types of caregivers have no mechanism for seeking comfort or attention, which typically leads to turbulent relationships in adult relationships. As an adult in relationships, it often feels like a longing to be in close relationships, but the fear that others will reject or hurt you. Concurrently, when you reach out for support, your body will activate other threat responses. Those responses are your flight, fight, freeze, and that engages a very profoundly ingrained conflict for you and anyone experiencing this. 

Society tells us that adults are supposed to have big parties, huge friend groups, tons of support, and tons of socialization skills and abilities. And those expectations trickle down to teenagers and adolescents down to children and toddlers. How many parents have you heard stressing about not having enough “play dates” scheduled for their toddlers?  We as a species have an unending drive to have all of the connections, however what if we don't have a secure attachment, to begin with? At some point, it gets exhausting attempting to connect from human to human and wondering why the work of connecting is so overly exhausting.

It’s entirely possible that right now you are feeling very exposed or uncomfortable. While that definitely wasn’t my intention, sometimes that is necessary before we can create lasting change. I would be remiss to just end the blog here and wish you a great day. Plus, if you’ve read any of my blogs you know that’s just not how I do things. So let’s focus on some ways to begin addressing your attachment issues. 

1. Get To Know Your Attachment Style:  In order to begin healing your relationship wounds, you must develop awareness first. And it has to be more than just the bottom line knowledge. It’s crucial that this knowledge is viewed from a position of no judgment, just a position of facts. 

2. Get To Know The Attachment Style Of Those In Your Inner Circle:  We won’t all have partners who are 100 percent on board with our deep inner healing journey work. However, knowing their attachment gives us more information and helps us be mindful of where they may get triggered. If they are interested in doing the deep work alongside you, however, co-healing is very powerful. 

3. Identify and Recognize Your Triggers:  Noticing when your attachment wounds get triggered is crucial if you are going to survive having relationships in this world. Once you have developed an understanding of what the triggers are (from a place of nonjudgement of course), begin to explore them. Come to understand what these things are, where these triggers come from, what influences or lessens them, as well as what helps them to simmer. The more information you have about yourself the more in control you will be and the deeper your healing will be. 

4. Develop Vulnerable Communications: I understand after you’ve been hurt or abandoned or whatever it can be terrifying or even just downright exhausting to consider investing in a relationship again. When you have attachment wounds, it can be horrifying to even consider being vulnerable, opening up to someone emotionally, trusting them, or letting them in. What I am suggesting to you is that unless you find at least a couple of people in your life and commit to having open, honest, transparent communication, developing secure attachment is next to impossible. 

5. Expressive Arts--Get Creative: Some of the least artistic people I know, find the deepest healing from engaging in expressive art. I’m telling you very clearly you don’t need to attempt to paint the Mona Lisa or anything extravagant! Even something simple like coloring in a coloring book and laughing with someone you trust is creating a healing connection by stimulating your parasympathetic nervous system. That’s like the trifecta of healing win. My word of caution is to not get caught up in the judgment of “is it creative enough”. If you think it’s creative and you are enjoying it, then it’s creative!

6. Develop Rituals Around Connection: For many of us, who have anything but a secure attachment the easiest way is to rituals around our connections. Maybe you call your favorite supportive family member on the first Saturday of the month. That might possibly mean that you go out to lunch with your best friend every Wednesday. The thing to keep in mind is that if you have rituals around when you connect with people it makes it easier and the habit to connect becomes more ingrained. 

I hope you have found this blog helpful. Relationships are so important in our lives because human beings were not designed to live without connection or a sense of belonging. Please remember that you deserve to heal, and there are always resources. If you would like to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists please call us at 309-807-5077 or email us at info@TheMentalWellnessCenter.com.

Feel free to check out our providers listed on our website here: https://www.thementalwellnesscenter.com/providers