Looking for Balance: How Therapy Can Address this Common Marital Issue
One of the most common sources of tension in a marriage is dissatisfaction with the division of household labor. In fact, this issue is frequently searched online by individuals seeking solutions and looking for guidance around how to tackle their dissatisfaction. While the internet may offer some general advice, relationship therapy provides tailored solutions that address the specific dynamics of your relationship and help partners find common ground.
Today, it’s increasingly common for both partners in a romantic relationship to work full-time while also managing household and parenting responsibilities. Even in households where one partner stays home, disagreements often arise around the distribution of labor. It’s not unusual for couples to come into therapy feeling frustrated because one partner feels they’re shouldering more than their fair share of responsibilities. Though these challenges can be frustrating, there are effective strategies to help move from dissatisfaction to a more balanced and fulfilling partnership
Focusing on the problem rather than on your partner: Often in marriage when there is an issue we focus on what our partner isn’t doing, rather than what we would like them to be doing. When you focus on the problem itself, rather than blaming each other, you’re more likely to find a solution that everyone is happy with.
What does this look like?
Focusing on the problem rather than blaming, shaming, or arguing with your partner looks less like nagging and more like problem-solving. For example, say dishes are your most despised chore and your partner is not as helpful as you would like in making sure the dishes are done in a timely manner. In some relationships, this ends up coming out as: “You’re so inconsiderate, you never help with the dishes even though you can see the sink is overflowing”. While this approach may feel the most natural when you’re frustrated, it is unlikely to end in a compromise that is satisfactory for you or your partner. Finding ways to communicate what you need using I statements and clearly stating a need often yields better results. This might look like “I’m feeling really overwhelmed with the dishes and household chores. I need some help tackling the dishes this evening. Would you be able to handle the dishes while I tackle the laundry?”. Notice how in the second request there is no blame, no name-calling, and a clear statement of need that your partner can respond to.
You might be wondering, "What if I've already expressed my needs this way and my partner still doesn't respond the way I want them to?" In this case, we can help you address communication challenges and uncover the deeper needs within your relationship. Often, I find that both partners genuinely want to meet each other's needs, but miscommunication about what that looks like can get in the way. If you're looking to better navigate these common challenges and strengthen your relationship, our 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work workshop might be just what you need. This two-day, 6-hour workshop focuses on developing practical skills to deepen your connection, improve communication, and enhance the friendship between you and your partner.
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