Human connection is important, so important that it is part of what shapes an individual's view of the world. The most significant connection or attachment one has is that of a caregiver. From birth, interactions with a child matter. It shapes their internal working model. Meaning that it shapes how they view the world and how they feel about themselves. 

When we are looking at attachment work, or even attachment as a concept, we are really looking at that lasting psychological connectedness between human beings. Studies on attachment work go back as far as 1913 looking at the validity and depth of connection, and the need for connection. As well as the separation and distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers, even if that separation is only on an emotional level. 

If a child is abused or neglected by their attachment figures, from an early age they begin to question their safety in the world. Their bodies' alarm systems begin to go off and it puts them in a state of survival. Children begin to piece together concepts such as, “ I cannot trust, I am not safe, I am not loved,” etc. The more often these distressing events occur the stronger those beliefs become. 

On the flip side, if a child is given a healthy balance of nurture and structure, they develop feelings of trust. They know someone is going to consistently show up and comfort them, and draw the line to help keep them safe. The more often this occurs, the stronger the belief becomes. 

Healthy attachment experiences can be used to help children learn to regulate their emotions, and feel more safe and loved in the world. This process takes time. The more complex the attachment/trauma issue is, the more work that has to be done in this area. 

The healing process is going to be creating positive attachment experiences with your child. If you have a child who missed out on these vital moments, it will be crucial to work on recreating moments they may have missed in their early years, in age appropriate ways. Let’s be perfectly clear for a moment, NO ONE expects any caregiver doing attachment therapy with children to get it perfect. Humans are far from it, and parenting can be hard enough without that added pressure. If you slip up and respond in a potentially unhealthy way, that provides you with a teachable moment. This is where you can demonstrate what it means to regulate your emotions and mend a mistake. The keys here are to demonstrate how to clean up making a mistake and being consistent. 

When it comes to creating or recreating positive attachment experiences, think nurture, engagement, and structure. 

1. Nurture- Every child, no matter their age, needs some form of nurture and healthy/safe touch. This may look like reading a book to your child, brushing their hair, rubbing their back, giving your teenager a high-five, etc. It is closeness, it is comfort. 

2. Engagement- Put the screens away and focus on each other. Play games, talk about fun or silly things, and be present with one another. Notice little things about your child, the uniqueness of their eyes, the dimples on their smile, the freckles on their nose, etc. These little efforts will help demonstrate to your child that you see them and they are important to you. 

3. Structure- Set rules and limits for your child. It is your job to help keep them safe, and they will not always like you for it. Letting a child be in control and do what they want does not feel safe; they do not know what they are doing! They need an adult to guide them and help them understand what is safe and what is not. They need you to be consistent, consistency fosters felt safety. 

Healthy connection is not about saying all of the right things. It is about doing your best to be consistent with your words and actions. These are little things you can begin to implement at home to help build healthy connections. These tips, coupled with family therapy, can help your family move in a positive direction.

If you feel like your child would benefit from some professional therapy, and would learn more about about me as a provider, feel free to check out my bio here.

If you are ready to schedule an appointment with me , feel free to call today at 309-807-5077 or email us at info@TheMentalWellnessCenter.com and tell them you want to set up an appointment with Victoria.