Supporting Someone Who is Living With Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
When someone we love has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it can confuse them and us. It is a very powerless experience to witness someone struggle with so many trauma symptoms, especially in the instant social media exposure world we live in, because trauma manifests differently for so many people and is frequently misdiagnosed as other issues such as anxiety, depression, personality disorders, bipolar, eating disorders, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, etc. When these misdiagnosing issues happen, people often turn to social media for the solution to their loved one's problem. The challenge with that is you can never be confident of the experience or reputation of the source on social media.
Many people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are frequently misdiagnosed because they are not in their window of tolerance when they are with the person diagnosing them. For example, if they are hyperarousal, they are likely to demonstrate anxiety symptoms and appear almost frozen. Whereas if they are in hypoarousal, they may display signs of depression. Typically if someone meets the criteria for bipolar disorder, they are bouncing back and forth between hyperarousal and hypoarousal frequently.
Living with someone having flashbacks, emotional outbursts, numbness, possible regression, nightmares, and periods when they can't or won't engage emotionally, physically, or verbally is terrifying and exhausting. In all the years I've been working with people who have trauma and their loved ones, the common theme is the powerlessness to help them, make them feel better, and make any positive change for them.
Providing the person you love or support is safe, please review the list below on how to support a loved one with PTSD effectively. The most important thing to remember is this is not a one size fits all approach. The person you know living with the trauma symptoms is the expert on what they need and what works best for them. My recommendations are as follows:
Don't Ask For The Details: I recognize that as a loved one or supportive person of someone living with PTSD, this is a huge struggle. However, some people living with trauma honestly don't have access to the details of their trauma or remember it. While for others, it's too dysregulating for their system to talk about it. I've been working with trauma survivors for over 25 years, and I'm still very cautious about how and why I ask for those details.
Not Everyone Knows Their Triggers: In a perfect world, we would all have the level of insight and access to the cortex part of our brain to access our triggers. However, for many people with trauma symptoms, that is not their reality. Please be patient and graceful when they get triggered. It's just as frustrating for them as it is for you, if not more. Intentionally or unintentionally adding pressure or expectations that they should know their triggers or have built-in coping mechanisms is unrealistic and a setup for failure. It's more helpful to approach it as part of an adaptive and growing system.
Remind Them Their Feelings Are Valid (Which Doesn't Mean They are Accurate): People living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder typically have a part in their brains that is very harsh or critical of everything they do, say, or think. It's part of what makes them human. I am a huge advocate that all feelings are valid. There are no bad feelings or emotions. However, we must remember that our feelings and emotions are only sometimes accurate, which is normal. I work diligently with my clients to empower them to stop judging themselves and their emotions and feelings.
Sometimes They Just Want To Be Validated. They Don't Want You To Fix Them Or The Issue: I am sure this will be mindblowing for some of you. Especially those of you who are natural-born "fixers." But sometimes, that person who loves and cares deeply about you is not looking for your magic fix. They are just looking to be validated. That's all! While this may be tough for some of you, it can be as simple as saying, "Do you want a solution? Do you want me to help? Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to validate your experience?" Any form of that question is so compelling and can stop communication breakdowns. Many things can shift when we stop jumping into the caretaker role and step back and ask what they need. It also empowers them to be given the power of choice.
Create Dialogue To Be Able To Gently Point Out When Their Brain Is Being Mean To Them: People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder often have high expectations of themselves that they can never meet. And when they can't meet that expectation of themself, the only option is for them to engage in the long deep hole of beating themselves up. Which never ends well. If you can create safe and gentle dialogue around being about to talk about or point out when the person you love's brain is being mean to them, it will be a compelling experience for you both. Being able to spot it and talk about it can also decrease the experience's intensity.
Remember Healing Is About The Brain: Whenever the clients I work with have trauma symptoms, we have multiple conversations about where and how trauma impacts the brain. When I'm working with the brain and providing psychoeducation about how trauma affects the brain, I talk about it on four levels. The highest level is the Cortex, then the Limbic; underneath that is the Diencephalon; the bottom layer is the Brainstem (also known as the reptilian brain).
The Cortex is responsible for creativity, thinking, language, values, time, and hope. The limbic part of the brain is responsible for the reward center, memory, bonding, and emotions. The Diencephalon is responsible for arousal, sleep, appetite, and movement. The brain stem is responsible for temperature, respiration, and cardiac. When someone is triggered, having a flashback, or even stuck in a trauma neural network, they are in the Brainstem. The difficulty is you can't just think your way out of the brain stem and access the Cortex. Many of the clients we work with at The Mental Wellness Center, Inc. spend most of their time in the Brainstem when they first come to us.
Lastly, Please don't be afraid to get help dealing with your loved one's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would like to encourage you to consider seeking out professional help. You wouldn't expect your loved one with trauma symptoms to go through this without professional service.
Please remember that you don’t need to suffer alone. If you want to set up an appointment for therapy, please email or call us. You can reach out to us at Info@TheMentalWellnessCenter.com or 309-807-5077.
If you would like to look at our list of providers to seek help for you or someone you know or love, please review our providers here: https://www.thementalwellnesscenter.com/providers
