Perpetual Conflict in Relationships
The Oxford American Dictionary defines love as “an intense feeling of deep affection” or alternatively “a great interest or pleasure in something or someone”. Our romantic relationships are often built on a foundation of love; but bringing together two or more people with different values, upbringings, and ideas about what a relationship looks like can be challenging. Sadly, the love stories that we see in movies and books often leave out the conflict that can occur when individuals bring their worlds together. When they do portray this conflict it's often resolved by the end of the story. In real life, conflict in relationships can be sorted into two categories. The first category is what we call “solvable problems”; these are conflicts that are generally resolved with good communication and a little compromise by the parties involved. The second category is what we call “perpetual problems” and while this may sound ominous even perpetual problems can be managed so they don’t damage the foundation of your relationship.
What are perpetual problems?
Research conducted by the Gottman Institute indicates that 69% of problems that are present within a romantic relationship are “perpetual” or “unsolvable” problems. These issues are related to differences in values or personality that are deeply ingrained in the individual. Imagine, if you will, what kinds of problems may occur in a relationship when one person is committed to saving money for the future and the other feels you should utilize your excess income for fun and pleasure because “you can’t take it with you”. Or a relationship where one person is an extrovert who prefers spending their free time out with friends or engaging in activities and the other is an introvert who would rather be at home most of the time. These fundamental differences can cause disagreements within the relationship which feel insurmountable. The word “perpetual” also makes them seem pretty grim but even perpetual problems can be overcome with a bit of work from each person.
Developing Shared Meaning
The key to overcoming the strife caused by “perpetual” problems is to explore the unfulfilled hopes and dreams that underpin your partner's position on an issue. While you may not be able to “resolve” the conflict itself, you can work to better understand and accept why each individual's position is important to them and find a way to honor both your partner's needs and your own. How do you do this?
Start a dialog: understanding your partner's position on a “perpetual” problem first begins with open, honest communication about why each of you feels the way you do about the issue. You may be surprised to discover that these discussions lead to a deeper understanding of your partner.
Learn to honor each partners needs: Honoring each partners needs is going to look different for every relationship but utilizing the examples above I will demonstrate what this may look like. For the couple with differing financial needs, this may look like finding a way to both save some of your excess income AND utilize some of it for fun. For a couple comprised of an introvert and extrovert, it may look like the extroverted partner spending more time with friends while the introverted partner has time to themself. When you have built a deep understanding of the hopes and dreams behind your partner’s desires it is much easier to find a path to walk that works for each person.
If you find that you are struggling with perpetual problems within your relationship, and are struggling to explore the unfulfilled hopes and dreams behind these problems on your own, couples counseling may help you find a path forward. Click the button below to learn more.
